Friday, March 28, 2008

Hidden Temples - Day Two of Exploring the Inner Sound


Alex and I found an inn in Poulsbo to spend the night, a good restaurant, and finished with a soak in the hot tub at the inn. After that we slept hard. Being with my son in this way reminded us both how much we enjoy each other's company when we can get away from the endless stream of home chores and family obligations. I felt renewed in my connection, and proud of the young man he has become. 

In the morning we parted ways, with Alex riding on to Seattle across Bainbridge Island to meet up with some college buddies (I was grateful I got as much time as I did!), while I headed south down the Kitsap Penninsula  along Liberty Bay and Port Orchard to Bremerton, and ultimately by ferry to Vashon Island. 

For the first few miles it seemed like every street and mailbox had a Scandinavian name. Poulsbo holds on tight to its Norwegian heritage and identity in spite of all the changes. It is a lot like Petersburg that way, my Alaska home that calls itself "Alaska's Little Norway". both towns were settled about the same time for similar reasons. Lots of fish to catch and a landscape that reminded these tough immigrants of home.

It's amazing how many different worlds have tucked themselves away on the backroads and backwoods of rural Puget Sound - Scandinavian farmers and fishermen, organic farmsteads run by aging hippies, the rural poor with their decomposing trailers and rusting auto bodies littered through the property, military veterans with American flags proudly flying, survivalists with barbed wire compounds and large snarling dogs, and along the view bluffs and waterfront, rows of enormous new mansions for the wealthy retired and recent winners of the high tech sweepstakes. Most of these mega-houses sit shuttered and empty all but a few weeks or months of the year, their owners back and forth between the Northwest in summer and the Sunbelt in winter. And then there are the hidden temples.
 
In Bremerton I caught a vintage passenger ferry across Sinclair Inlet to Port Orchard, and peddled a long and beautiful shoreline around Sinclair Inlet and Race Pass to a view across the water on downtown Seattle and the Cascades. This is part of the Sound I've never seen or explored, with small beach hamlets like Manchester, Colby and Harper that I've never heard of. The road that skirts this penninsula is definitely off the beaten path, so there was almost no traffic along this inner 
coast. Eventually I made the Southworth ferry to Vashon Island, and another kind of adventure. 


Once on Vashon, and after a killer hill from the ferry landing, I found the home of Jyl Shinjo Brewer, a good friend from my Zen monastery who spent eleven years training full time in Japan at Harada Roshi's home temple of Sogenji in Okayama. "Jo san" took full vows of ordination four years ago, and has recently come to settle on Vashon after a year of living in a Zen center in Paris. She has landed in an amazing situation as caretaker for a temple that was moved here from Indonesia by David Smith and reassembled on Vashon Island. I knew from her description that it was a pretty cool place, but I had was not prepared for what I saw. Leaving the highway I wound a fair distance back into the woods past the usual generic homes tucked away on generic parcels of land. When I turned into Jo san's driveway I passed through a magic gate and entered another world. I was stunned.
 
The house where Jo san is living also came over from Indonesia and is beautiful but completely unheated. We bundled ourselves up in sweaters and jackets in her bascially-outdoor kitchen as snow was beginning to fall, and enjoyed a fine dinner of locally made nettle pasta, warmed by stories from Jo san's various adventures in the Zen worlds of Japan, Europe and America. In the morning I was up at 5:30 to join Jo san for her meditation practice in the temple, and we shocked to find fresh snow on the ground. Another woman named Karen from the Vashon Zen sangha also came in to join us. It was a wonderful way to start the day. 

After morning zazen meditation we picked up on threads of our conversation from the night before over breakfast. It is such a fascinating time in our culture to be working with these tools of Buddhist practice in a society that is only beginning to understand what this way of life might be good for. Especially to take full monastic vows is swimming against a heavy current in the American swirl of culture. This is a lifestyle that is common and well integrated into the culture in much of Asia, but still has precious little purchase here in the West. It is a courageous and often lonely path for Jo san to take this on here in the U.S., and to be such a pioneer in charting the way for a practice-based life.

 In the end we resolved to co-host a retreat at her temple later in the summer for members of our Seattle One Drop sangha community to explore just these kinds of questions. What does it look like to choose a path of serious meditative training in our culture? What might it be good for? What fits and what doesn't from the traditional forms of training that have come over from Asian? How does one make a living when there are no societal mechanisms of support for this way of life here? Buddhist forms of practice have made huge inroads into our culture in recent years, but we are only beginning to sort out what that might look like as a mainstream staple of life here in the West. 

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Exploring the Inner Sound - Day One

My son Alex is on his spring break this week from Western Washington University, so I blocked out this week for a kayaking trip around Whidbey Island, hoping he might join me. He did join me, but not for a kayaking trip. Winter returned to the Northwest this week, with cold temperatures, rain, and worst of all for kayaking, plenty of wind. Plus we are in a Full Moon mode, with big tides. This mix might appeal to extreme kayakers, but I don't fall into that category.

Whidbey Island has some of the biggest tides and remotest stretches of water anywhere in Puget Sound. It is considerably more challenging, in that sense, than the trips I lead in Alaska's Tebenkof Bay Wilderness. It is nothing to mess with casually.

So instead we're doing a bike trip that I had planned for next month. Even this has turned out to be a challenge, but a good one. It's been months since I've spend any good one-on-one time with my son, and it has been very restorative for both of us. Yesterday we headed north up Whidbey Island and caught a ferry with our bikes over to Port Townsend on the Olympic Penninsula. Conditions weren't ideal, with temperatures in the forties, and plenty of rain and wind in the forecast - even snow as a possibility. As I've discovered so many times, if I go anyway it's rarely as bad as I expect, and often much better. We did face a cold, stiff wind for much of our ride the first day, which made it challenging, but the rain never materialized until a couple miles from our destination for the day. We made it to our home for the night just as the rain really started to crank up.

From Port Townsend we rode south on a hilly route along the shores of Admiralty Inlet through Hadlock and Port Ludlow, then crossed the floating bridge across Hood Canal to the Kitsap Penninsula. The wind really blasted us on the bridge with almost no shoulder and lots of traffic, so we were really glad to reach the other side. From there we rode south again along Hood Canal to the old fishing community of Poulsbo on Liberty Bay. Even though it was a modest day distance-wise for a trip like this - we peddled 43 miles - we were both pretty wasted from the effort of traveling most of the day into a headwind, and some pretty nasty hills we had to climb. I had a hard time keeping up with Alex, but I guess that's fair. I'm thirty five years older than him.

I spent most of the summers of my youth in a beach cabin on Liberty Bay near Poulsbo, so it is filled with images and deep memories from those wonderful summers of beach combing, fishing and tree-house building. A small commercial fishing port in its youth, settled by Norwegian immigrants, Poulsbo still has a bit of that flavor, but now primarily serves as a suburb of Seattle and as the home of a large nuclear submarine base on Hood Canal.

Today Alex will break off and ride across Bainbridge Island to catch a ferry to Seattle, and I will continue south through Bremerton and down Vashon Island to Tacoma. We'll see what the weather dishes up today, here in the blustery early Puget Sound spring.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Transition Whidbey


My friend Vicki Robin is a Whidbey Island neighbor who is quite an inspiration. Her book Your Money Or Your Life was one of my main inspirations a decade ago for some big changes in my own life that got me on the road to a more grounded lifestyle and a better sense of right livelihood. She is also the creator of the Conversation Cafe, a fun and innovative model of local community-building that gets people together across ideological divides. 

 
Lately Vicki is putting a lot of creative energy into Transition Whidbey, a local initiative to make Whidbey Island a model community for low energy and carbon footprint living. Accustomed to a lot of travel in her work, she has taken my own Circling Home commitment to heart and is cutting way back on her air travel this year. This is not an easy assignment when one's community of work is global in scope. Her efforts, in the face of these challenges, are in turn inspiring me and we are starting our own conversation about what we are learning, where we are benefitting from the effort, and where we are running into real obstacles and challenges.

In her latest Transition Whidbey bulletin, Vicki points out how quickly issues of energy transformation are moving to the front burner, raising the stakes on our need for personal transformation in response. Oil prices have risen from $80/barrel to $110/barrel in just a few short months since Transition Whidbey was formed. Gas prices are pushing $4.00/gallon. Food prices are also skyrocketing as a result of the falling dollar and as an unintended consequence of the shift to bio-fuel production on much of our agricultural land. The words "recession" and even "depression" are being spoken openly in reference to a teetering global economy.

Like me, Vicki is determined to look for the opportunities and the silver lining in these troubling trends. As she says in her post, "We are IN the transition, and together we can use the push of necessity and the pull of opportunity to stimulate our rising springtime energies to dream - and do."

Where are YOU finding cause for hope and opportunity? - not necessarily within these mega-trends, but within your own life, and within your own efforts to respond creatively with changes large and small? Where are you finding success in your effort to reign in excessive or unnecessary travel, and what vistas is that opening up for you? Where are you finding unexpected new opportunities for community and recreation (re-creation) closer to home. I'd love to begin harvesting your stories, and adding them to mine. 

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Equal Night

 Today is the spring equinox ("equal night" in Latin), the midway point between the shortest and longest days of the year when for a brief moment - tonight at 9:48 PDT to be exact - daylight and darkness are of the same duration all over the planet. Saturday I will lead a Day of Mindfulness retreat at the Whidbey Institute Sanctuary to commemorate the change of seasons, and Monday (weather permitting), I head off on a week-long kayaking circumnavigation of Whidbey Island. I have much to learn, because there are some fierce tides around this island, and there is little margin for error. 



Since I began my Circling Home commitment on the winter solstice three months ago, this also marks the first quarter of my year of living without a car, inside a 100 km radius of home. Much has changed in my life in these three months. A trip of more than five miles is a journey that requires planning and some effort to pull off. So I'm more careful about where I go and when. The bike and bus have become my new "normal", instead than the old rare exception. Taking my car completely off the table has held my feet to the fire, bringing these changes into the marrow of my life in ways that wouldn't have happened if I'd kept my car in the formula as a fall-back option. Now it doesn't even cross my mind to use a car. Instead I think, "How can I consolidate my chores into fewer trips?", or, "Is this event important enough for me to make the effort to get there?", or "God, I love my new bike! Where can I ride today?" I drop in on friends and neighbors near at hand more, rather than spending all my time in virtual community through email networks. (I still do plenty of that though.)

I don't think, "Why am I doing this?" I know why I'm doing this, and I haven't found any reason to question the basis of that choice. If climate change really is "the defining challenge of our age.", as U.N. Sec. General Ban Ki-moon has called it, and if "What we do in the next two or three years will determine our future.", as Rajendra Pachaouri, who heads the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) has said, then my efforts to reel in my carbon footprint start to seem modest, and anything but extreme. 

Yes, there are days when I feel constricted by my choice, when old patterns and habits rear their heads, or I am visited by the viral restlessness of our culture. There are days when I question my own sanity, knowing that none of my friends seem to consider what I'm doing a realistic option for anyone but me. It's not easy to stand by the tracks and watch the train keep roaring by, packed to the gills with people who act as if nothing were amiss.  I'm just trying to keep my own eye on the ball, and remember why I'm doing this, and for whom. My life is measured in just a handful of years, and those years are flying by. My children's lives, and the lives of all their children, is measured in countless millennia yet to come. 

As I reach the one quarter mark on this year-long experiment, I continue to learn a great deal from the experience. The richness of the world that lies right beneath my feet is slowly unveiling itself to me. In the same way that I have a TV sitting in my family  room, and almost never think to turn it on (Where do people find time for that?), I also have a car sitting idle in my garage, and can begin to imagine a life beyond my own addiction to independent mobility. And while most people seem to think I'm a little bit crazy, I'm still waiting for anyone to give me a compelling reason, in this age of climate crisis, why I should be doing anything else.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Ways of Seeing

The Cascades from Double Bluff on Whidbey Island

There are lots of ways to go local. As I've been discovering on my recent walkabouts, having a camera along offers an additional way of seeing where we are with fresh eyes. I'm no pro, and my camera is nothing special, but it is a window into what Mary Oliver calls "the untrimmable light of the world".

I recently was introduced to a fellow Northwest explorer and photographer named Kurt Smith, who does this on a serious level, producing amazing photographs that probe the beauty that lies all around us here in the Puget Sound region. He anchors his images in some darn good stories, too, that follow the changing Northwest seasons near his home in Kingston. Check out his blog at Seeing Small: A Photographer's Journal of the Everyday. 

Thursday, March 13, 2008

County Buses Really Work

Last week my wife and I traveled by local bus to Bellingham to attend a choral concert with my son Alex, who is a student at Western Washington University. Bellingham is just inside my 100 km circle, but since I'm not using a car this year I haven't been up to see him since Christmas. I thought it would be just too much of a hassle to get there without a car. I was wrong.


I've been really impressed by the recently initiated County Connector bus service that now links Island, Skagit and Whatcom Counties. For 75 cents apiece, Sally and I traveled from right in front of our house on South Whidbey all the way to Bellingham on express buses that now link the three counties in a Tri-County Connector service. We transferred in Oak Harbor and again in Mt. Vernon, but the connections were very good, we were free to really enjoy the scenery, and it didn't take that much longer than it does to drive. 

I also really benefitted from this service last month when I needed to get home from Stanwood, near Camano Island, after finishing the first part of my Skagit walking tour. I thought it would be a long, convoluted process getting home, but discovered a regular express Island County bus down to Everett and Boeing that serves commuters coming from Camano Island and Stanwood. I was back on Whidbey before I knew it.

This is a really great service that people in this community need to know about. And it is mirrored by similar links in other Western Washington counties. Cars and trucks account for 50% of the Northwest's contribution to Greenhouse Gas Emissions. Not to mention the economic impacts of $4.00 / gallon gas. When there is a viable alternative to driving, why wouldn't we want to use it. Now that I know how practical this one is I'll use it a lot, even after my car-free year is over.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Circling Home on King 5 Evening News

Today I spoke with Jane McCarthy, a reporter from Seattle's King 5 News, about Circling Home. With gas prices edging toward $4.00/gallon, the quest for alternatives to cars is suddenly in the news. Check out Jane's report about my Circling Home efforts, which aired tonight as a featured story on the King 5 nightly news.

Could You Be Carless?

Fellow Whidbey Islander and journalist Sue Frause covers Whidbey culture for the Seattle PI. Her blog recently ran a piece on the experiences of several people who are going car-less.


Check it out.

Low Carbon Eating


My car-free year is proving to be about more than just my own travel. It's true that transportation is the biggest contributor to global warming in the Pacific Northwest. But it's also true that "we are what we eat", and that we need to pay closer attention to how far and by what means our food is transported. What we eat, it turns out, is as much a "transportation choice" as how we get ourselves from Point A to Point B.


I learned a lot about the importance of food choices to climate change in an article by Natalie Reitman-White and Sarah Mazze called Global Warming & Food Choices: A Guide to Low-Carbon Eating. The concept of "food miles" puts a new wrinkle in my notion of what constitutes a "travel fast". I may be staying put, but if the food I eat comes from halfway around the world, and especially if it is flown to me, my food (to paraphrase Michael Pollan) is marinated in crude oil by the time it reaches my table.

I didn't realize until recently what a huge ecological issue industrial food production actually is, and what a major contributor to global warming. Here are a few facts from the article:
  • Fossil fuel is involved at all stages of food production, from plowing and fertilizing to processing and packaging of food - and every phase of transportation from field to consumer's table
  • Agriculture accounts for a whopping 7% of total Greenhouse Gas Emmisions in the U.S, not counting food transportation
  • Organic farming techniques have the potential to use 30 - 50 % less energy than non-organic farming
  •  Airfreight has the highest carbon emissions of any form of transport, generating up to 177 times the emissions of shipping the same goods by freighter
  • Livestock add about 80% of agriculture's total contribution to GHG emissions
  • 23% of energy used in food production is for processing and packaging
As important as my personal transportation choices are, this tells me it's time for me to think a lot harder about the carbon footprint of my eating choices as well. It's added impetus for me to get out and pitch in more with my wife Sally in our family vegetable garden too! 

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Circling Home in the Media


Circling Home continues to draw local media attention as a practical, on-the-ground response to the challenge of climate change.

A Fresh Squeeze - Seattle  recently featured Circling Home in an issue on car-free living in the Seattle area. 

And last week, the South Whidbey Record ran a front page feature article on Circling Home entitled "One Year. Without Getting Into a Car. Seriously."

Check them out. 

Homeward Bound


The more I walk, the more my body thanks me for doing what it is designed to do. Little by little I'm breaking the trance that says we have to travel to distant parklands and wilderness areas if we want to walk, and that where we live is the exclusive domain of cars. Thoreau wrote, "Two or three hours' walking will carry me to as strange a country as I expect ever to see. A single farmhouse which I had not seen before is sometimes as good as the dominions of the King of Dahomey. There is in fact a sort of harmony discoverable between the capabilities of the landscape within a circle of ten miles' radius, or the limits of an afternoon walk, and the threescore years and ten of human life. It will never become quite familiar to you." 

From the vantage of our physical bodies, and what we need to maintain a healthy balance between body and mind, Thoreau's observations are as relevant now as in his own day.

This week I walked the final 50 mile leg of my SnohomishSkagit Valley / Whidbey Island walking pilgrimage, this time from Oak Harbor home along the length of Whidbey Island. The above photo shows me heading south from Oak Harbor, with Mt. Baker in the background. Baker is the most prominent sign post on my 100 km boundary circle, and I never grow tired of seeing it from all the varied angles. My wife Sally again joined me for the first part of the walk. We took a beautiful nine mile hike down the bluffs from Oak Harbor, with the Skagit delta and North Cascade range spread east across Skagit Bay, then traced the north shore of Penn Cove around to the Captain Whidbey Inn near Coupeville. 

Along the way we passed the site of the largest native village of the Cokwlo'a Skagit, the tribe now based on the Swinomish Reservation that once occupied the Lower Skagit delta and the area of Whidbey Island from Dugualla Bay and Oak Harbor to Penn Cove. This is the historic terrain of my friend Ray Williams, who I visited during the Skagit portion of my walk. The site is now a private vacation beach on North Penn Cove, with a plaque that tells the thread of this now invisible story. It is amazing how quickly history buries the memory of those who come before when a new culture gains ascendancy. The highway up Whidbey whizzes past not far from this spot, yet this is the first I've heard of this village that dominated central Whidbey for centuries before contact with the new Euro-American settlers. Will history deal as kindly with us as we have dealt with them? 
 
After spending the night at Capt. Whidbey, Sally caught the bus home in the morning and I continued on my way. I headed across to the west side of the island on a trail over Ebby's Prairie to Ebby's Bluff, a National Historic Preserve that is still dominated by working farmsteads. I visited the grave of Isaac Ebby, the namesake of this Preserve, who was murdered by a group of Haida Indians who paddled four hundred miles from the Queen Charlotte Islands in the mid-nineteenth century to exact revenge for the death of one of their chiefs who was murdered by a resident of Whidbey Island. In the strict traditional code of Northwest Coast native justice, a person of equal rank from the offending tribe was the one who had to pay the price, rather than the person who actually committed the crime. Isaac Ebby had the unlucky distinction of being the Territorial Representative of the young Whidbey community, so he was identified as the "chief" whose death would even the scales. The raiding party cut off Ebby's head and returned with it the four hundred miles by canoe back to the Queen Charlottes. He paid a big price for lending his name to this place. 
 
Once at Ebby's Bluff, with its expansive views over the Strait of Juan de Fuca, the Olympic mountains and Vancouver Island, I turned south and walked all the way to Greenbank along the deserted beaches beneath a long series of bluffs. I had covered nearly twenty miles by the time I finally made it to Lagoon Point, where I stopped for the night with friends David and Cynthia Trowbridge. This was the longest single days' walk of the trip, and probably of my entire life. I have seldom been more ready to take off my boots. I was welcomed with warm hospitality and a fresh blackcod dinner. It was fun over dinner to tell them stories of my days fishing commercially for blackcod in the Gulf of Alaska. 

David is a fellow student of Harada Roshi, and both Cynthia and David are founding members of the Enso House Zen Hospice that adjoins the Tahoma Zen Monastery. David is also a PhD physicist with a passion for astronomy who has built a remarkable observatory on his property from which he participates in astromonical research with professional and amateur astronomers all over the world. Being a clear night, he fired up the observatory for me, with a retractable roof and telescope that pivots on request from a laptop to point exactly at the star or galaxy he happens to be studying. That night he was measuring the variations of light from a double star that spins in a strange orbital dance. The duration of the orbit can be determined exactly by the variable intensity of light that the star gives off over time. He also gave me my first-ever direct look at the planet Saturn with its rings. Not only did I get to see parts of Whidbey that are new to me, I got to see parts of the heavens that are only beginning to be understood by modern astronomy. To think that this could happen from a back yard observatory was quite a revelation.
  
I broke the final twenty miles of my journey home into two easy ten mile days. Back in my home terrain, I took my time, stopping for tea at friends homes that happened to be along my route past Bush Point, Mutiny Bay and Double Bluff, then stopped for the night to participate in the evening and morning meditation schedules at Tahoma Zen Monastery. 

My last morning brought me across the dike over Deer Lagoon to Sunlight Beach, then on to my home in the Maxwelton Valley. I got home just in time to join my friends Dan Kowalski, Rick Jackson, Doug Kelly and Steve Boyd for a waffle breakfast at Doug's house, a short walk through the woods from my place. I ate three waffles before I lost count. It was a great welcome home.  
     

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Dates of My Excursions

I'm well into my third month of living car free and within my 100 KM circle from home. I wanted to post the tentative dates of my planned excursions, so you can have an idea where I am on the journey. I have one major excursion per month, woven into my ongoing writing projects and my work at the VA Hospital. I've also scheduled, as you'll see, three seasonal Day of Mindfulness retreats that I will lead at the Whidbey Institute Sanctuary (all welcome), and four week-long intensive Zen retreats that I will be participating in, one for each season, to help anchor my outward explorations of the region.


Here they are:


January - Skagit walking circuit (120 miles)
February 16 - 23 - Intensive Zen retreat at Tahoma Zen Monastery
March 22 - Lead Day of Mindfulness retreat at Whidbey Institute
March - Paddle around Whidbey Island (120 miles)
April -Bicycle circuit of Whidbey / Port Townsend / Kitsap / Vashon / Tacoma / Seattle
May - Bicycle circuit of San Juan Islands / Victoria / Olympic Penninsula / foothills of Cascades from Olympia to Bellingham
June 14 - Lead Day of Mindfulness reteat at Whidbey Institute
June 20-27 - Intensive Zen retreat on Samish Island with Norman Fischer
July 3-10 - Climb Glacier Peak from home to summit and back under my own power
July 20 - August 20 - Kayaking circumnavigation of Puget Sound and San Juan Islands
Sept. 5 - 12 - Intensive Zen retreat at Tahoma Zen Monastery, Whidbey Island
Oct. 4 - Lead Day of Mindfulness Retreat at Whidbey Institute
Oct - Nov. - Commercial gill net fishing on Puget Sound
Dec. - Rohatsu Zen retreat at Tahoma One Drop Zen monastery
- Intensive Zen retreat


Saturday, March 1, 2008

Shinkai

It is Day 5 of this seven day sesshin (intensive Zen retreat) at Tahoma Zen Monastery here on Whidbey Island. It is evening, with the last traces of sunlight slowly melting into night outside the zendo. It has been uncharacteristically clear throughout the retreat, with hints of spring warmth in the afternoon sun that falls back into the chill of a winter night within minutes of the sun going down.
 
There are fifty Zen students from seven countries packed in the zendo on their cushions. No one has moved a muscle for an hour, and after five days of sustained stillness the silence has seeped all the way down into our bones. We have dropped into a place outside the usual confines of time. As the Zen saying goes, we are listening to a silence louder than a hundred claps of thunder. At the end of the hour a bell rings, filling the room with its lingering reverberations. We all bow and unwind our tired bodies and sore joints, lumbering up to a standing position. It is time for kinhin, or walking meditation.

We file in an orderly line out the back of the zendo onto a wooden deck that circles around the outside, then through the zendo again, forming a circle that we have repeated dozens of times during the sesshin. This time, as I cross the threshold into the cold night air, I find myself staring at the barest sliver of a moon. I gasp at the beauty of it, thinking what a gorgeous New Moon it is. Turning the corner on the deck, the moon drops from view, and I suddenly realize that something is very wrong. My mind falters for a moment. Wasn't the moon full last night? How could it go from Full Moon to New Moon in one day? Maybe my eyes played a trick on me. But when I pass back out onto the deck, there it is again; a fine sliver of light etched against the faint circle of a darkened moon.

Gradually, as I move along with the line of gently swaying shoulders ahead of me in the darkness, my mind rises to the meaning of this apparition. I have been ambushed by a full eclipse of the moon that I had no idea was coming. It is just past the point of eclipse, and the returning crescent of light is "bent to the shape of the cold", as the Zen poet Issa once wrote.
 
And it is cold. Thick frost has greeted us each morning this week, and Harada Roshi holds to the strict rules of Rinzai Zen training that he brought with him from Japan. That includes no socks or hats in the zendo, regardless of how cold it may be. So it is bare feet that meet the frozen slabs of wood as we pass repeatedly back out onto the deck with each round of kinhin. I feel my body stiffen each time in resistance to it. Then I remember the words of another Zen teacher, Katagiri Roshi, who used to say "Eat the cold.", when he saw his students evading the chill of the Minnesota winters. "Eat the cold.", I say to myself, and consciously relax into the sensation of bare feet against cold wood. I do my best to turn toward the sensation, invoking curiosity, feeling it's sharp tang without trying to push it away. Suddenly it is no longer pleasant or unpleasant. It is just a sharp tang reaching in to massage my feet and neck and shoulders.
       
It is the same thing with the pain in my knees during long meditation periods, or the waves of restlessness and boredom and frustrated desire. There is no end to them, but I am invited again and again to receive them with kindness and hospitality, rather than hostility. It is a process of aligning myself moment by moment with the truth of my life, rather than turning away from it in a vain effort to get things my way. This process of alignment is never completed, and is always carrying me deeper into the marrow of living.

It is also this process of alignment on the cushion that makes my Zen practice such a crucial part of my Circling Home year. The journey inward toward insight, equanimity and self-compassion lies at the very foundation of my homeward pilgrimage. There is no exaggerating the importance of opening our hearts to the reality of what is, however painful or confusing that may be, if we are going to seriously take on the dysfunctional habits of living that have dragged us now to the brink of climate catastrophe. The two journeys, inward and outward, are not different, and both are equally important.

********************

"Who is Shinkai?", Tom asks while a group of us are having tea with the Roshi. It's been a few years since he sat a sesshin, he's heard the name bandied about, and he doesn't know that this is the name the Roshi gave me in my lay ordination several years ago. "I've been wondering who Shinkai is myself.", I respond, evoking a warm round of laughter that feels good after all the silence. This is one of the few times during the week we are free to talk.

Shinkai means literally "mind of ocean", or more precisely, "heart / mind of ocean". Harada gave me this name because of my years of work on the water as a wilderness kayak guide and commercial fisherman. As far as he is concerned, I have no other name. "Kurt" no longer exists. I am Shinkai now, pure and simple. It is a matter of karmic affiliation. I have never used the name outside of the monastery, but each sesshin it grows on me a little more. After a full week of being called nothing but Shinkai, I start to think it actually is my name. It's a very mysterious process of growing into some part of a new and wider identity. Like so many other aspects of this arcane tradition, I resist it and try to hold it at arms length, but little by little it seems to be having its way with me. 

The Roshi stayed for three days beyond the sesshin before returning to Japan, for those who wanted to continue with a less rigorous monastic schedule and ongoing daily interviews. I chose to stay for two of them. It was a wonderful way to cross back over the threshold into my regular life, and to renew friendships with fellow students in a relaxed post-sesshin atmosphere, easing the whiplash that often accompanies this tricky passage from Shinkai back to Kurt. Maybe some day the two of us will live in greater harmony more of the time. 

I'm working on it.